Journal Entry

Exploring Life

I originally wrote this May 26, 2009 in my notebook. I decided to share it with you. :)

What is my greatest fear? Failure. I fear that I will fail. That I won't "make it."

How is success defined? Society defines success: Get the job, the girls, the house. Parents define success: Go to school, get a job, move out. Peers define success: Get the boyfriend, chill, stay up, sleep in, skip class, be skinny.

This is why I fear. All of these cannot be done with one life. Not necessarily should be done by anyone. I fear the failure of not succeeding because of trying to chase many different social definitions of success.

I have not had what anyone would define as a 'real' job. At times I feel this is an advantage; I am blessed. At times I feel it is a disadvantage; I am spoiled. This is an example of a situation where conflicting definitions of success tear at me.

Fear paralyzes, it shuts us down. Decisions become impossible to make. My mistakes haunt me. I must correct them. In order for this fear of success to be removed from my daily inability to chose I must make a list of what makes ME successful. I must decide, and I must chose, so that those daily decisions are made clear by the lens of my goals.

How do I define success?

This is what I come to, is what is brewing inside me. Who am I? I need to decide what I want to be, or I will become a hodgepodge of the individual days events, day by day. Attempting to chase 'success' defined by others because of my paralyzing fear of failure. Eventually leading me to middle-aged and a crises of seeing that I work 8-5 M-F and come home and sit on my couch and yell at my kids over the TV. - I want more than mediocre. I want to walk the hard line. I want to be proud of what I am, who I've become, and what I have built.

As it ends

I live in each moment, attempting to take mental pictures of this life I love

Today was my last day of classes as a sophomore. YAY! I must admit, there are teachers, classes, and students I will not miss. I am eternally grateful that we are only in our classes 16 weeks instead of like 40 like highschool. I don't know if I could handle that.

However... I will miss a lot of things. I love my life right now. I am so blessed; God is so good. He always honors His promises. He is eternally faithful.

I got an 88 on my last regular Accounting 301 test!!! This is the test I was attempting to study for the night Daisy died (I did an entry that evening). Unfortunately, even if I get a 100% on the final, I cannot get an A [sigh] this is the hardest I have ever worked for a B. BUT, it was worth it. Today in class, Dr. Ashcroft announced his "all star team". These people are the ones he wanted to recognize because they worked hard in class and he said that he likes to appreciate people for the work they do. I was one of about seven names he called out today in class out of a class of 50+ people. I definitely have a good recommendation letter out of that one... even if I did end up with a B. Overall I really enjoyed the class. It was painful at times, yes, and it was a TON of work, but I liked it. I can be successful even if I am not always right, and I'm not always right. I know it may seem strange, but I like doing something that is challenging enough that I have to work at it but not constantly fail, otherwise it just doesnt keep my attention.

Went to Gram's after classes and had a good afternoon laying in the sun and reading astronomy and napping alternately. The day was gorgeous. Lazy poofy clouds rolling through the majestically blue sky, and my own private concert and sky dance from two male mockingbirds. One of my top 2 favorite types of birds... the other is a baltimore oriole. I am so blessed to have her here, close and almost always available. I will live there three weeks this summer for my intersession class before I leave for China, and depending on how it goes I may decide to live there SP10 semester when I get back instead of moving back into the dorms.

Then Grams and Jade and I went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and I ate a HUGE burger. It was amazing.

Back to campus for some more astronomy and chilling. Then Jade and I decided to watch Adam Sandler's 50 First Dates. It was a great movie. I teared up on more than one occasion... I even almost forgot that it was Adam Sandler! I couldn't believe it.
I will miss her. This was an era. I feel in my spirit that it wont ever be like it is right now. This is healthy, but I will miss it for sure. In this way I almost feel like I'm a senior all over again, trying to take all of these mental pictures and movies because I know it is ending. Of course, like all good things in life, if it continued indefinitely, it would become not a good thing. I think the best thing about college is its brevity and yet depth. You meet all of these people and have all of these conversations. There are the major players and the minor players. The people you love and yet for some reason never hang out with again. The people you can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you try. The people you never want to ever loose.

I am excited for what the next two years hold. They will look completely different, this much is sure. I will have a blast, this too is assured. I will grow and change and stretch and change, that too is a guarantee. I am excited to meet the woman who will walk out of the next two years. I am excited to see where she will go. I am ready. I am eager, and thus it begins.

I leave you with this.
Make plans for the future. Love always.

Metal Health Day

When you can no longer spell mental... you know you need one

I have had a great day. Infinitely better than ones in this week's recent history. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I did well enough on the accounting test today to be proud of the results considering the state of my emotions going into it. I started crying in the class before. I have not cried in class since finding out I had flunked not just 2 but 3 tests last week of class first semester freshman year. But, I took the test today and remembered more than I forgot.


Then my 'metal health day' began. I am enjoying myself immensely. Doing what I want to do, for how long I want to do it, when I want to. I should start living like this again. And I am going to.

- I went to see my UHC professor (UHC was the honors intro to university life class) and had a good conversation with him for about half an hour about life and plans and his kids. Then there was a guy outside of Strong preaching like they like to do, and I had some God-appointments with people there.

I have revised my opinions of those people a bit. Let me explain. I have almost a respect for them. They are there, allowing themselves to be ridiculed for the sake of what they genuinely believe is the gospel. He had a great command of the scriptures. What he was missing was love. However, he gave me an opportunity to have conversations that I would not have had today otherwise. He causes people to talk and start thinking. To defend what you believe and why you believe it. He challenges both the believer and the non believer. Not that I agree with his message.

I have always held to the catchy phrase belong, believe, behave. If you are still a sinner, that is what you do. You sin. I said this to one of the guys I talked to today, that even in death, no matter what people choose, we glorify God. Whether he enacts his perfect wrath or forgives us and gives us glorious life with Him, He is glorified. He is perfectly just and perfectly gracious. As a sinner people cannot behave believe belong. It simply doesnt work that way. Now, not that we should dilute the message and be 'seeker friendly', but that we should love the sinner and hate the sin. A very hard concept to live out. Live your life in such a way that people wonder what you have that they dont. Make them want it and come seek it out. We have living water, life everlasting and abundant! Be available for conversations and open to questions that challenge you. Trust God that He will direct you to the Scripture you need to answer the question or put people in your life that you can take the tough questions to. That's what the church is for, to enhance your relationship through the strength of the community. I hate the word religion. Yes, I guess I am 'religious', but my religion is guided by a relationship, not by a codified rule system. I am on this adventure called life just like everyone else, I just have someone to go to at all times, someone who will always be there. Call me crazy :)

Then I had some dinner with good friends, and took a nice nap. My mommy called me right after I woke up and we talked some and I got to talk to my daddy too :) Played a game of tetris online.


Then movie time! Had to clean my room because we actually had the movie night in my room! We normally dont because I dont have a TV, but we just used my computer and it was ok. It's nice to have a clean room, and tomorrow real life is back. I'm starting to study for my finals and such... craziness!!!






I leave you with this.
Take a day. It's definately worth it.

And if the cookie crumbles, you must eat it

RIP Daisy 1994-2008



I never thought the death of a dog would affect me. Here I sit, listless and crying. My accounting book full of words in front of me.
The process of accounting for amortizing intangibles just doesnt seem all that important. ya... i actually know how to do that, sort of.

I leave you with this.
Cherish Life