Journal Entry

Exploring Life

I originally wrote this May 26, 2009 in my notebook. I decided to share it with you. :)

What is my greatest fear? Failure. I fear that I will fail. That I won't "make it."

How is success defined? Society defines success: Get the job, the girls, the house. Parents define success: Go to school, get a job, move out. Peers define success: Get the boyfriend, chill, stay up, sleep in, skip class, be skinny.

This is why I fear. All of these cannot be done with one life. Not necessarily should be done by anyone. I fear the failure of not succeeding because of trying to chase many different social definitions of success.

I have not had what anyone would define as a 'real' job. At times I feel this is an advantage; I am blessed. At times I feel it is a disadvantage; I am spoiled. This is an example of a situation where conflicting definitions of success tear at me.

Fear paralyzes, it shuts us down. Decisions become impossible to make. My mistakes haunt me. I must correct them. In order for this fear of success to be removed from my daily inability to chose I must make a list of what makes ME successful. I must decide, and I must chose, so that those daily decisions are made clear by the lens of my goals.

How do I define success?

This is what I come to, is what is brewing inside me. Who am I? I need to decide what I want to be, or I will become a hodgepodge of the individual days events, day by day. Attempting to chase 'success' defined by others because of my paralyzing fear of failure. Eventually leading me to middle-aged and a crises of seeing that I work 8-5 M-F and come home and sit on my couch and yell at my kids over the TV. - I want more than mediocre. I want to walk the hard line. I want to be proud of what I am, who I've become, and what I have built.